Are you a Whore?

That is one of the first questions my mum asked me after telling her I was polyamorous. No mum, I’m not a whore. Not even close to it. You can relax now. 

I had to explain the whole concept to her – a traditional muslim woman. By now she knows I’m a bit strange but she loves me for it in her own weird way. Love you too mum!

But back to the topic of polyamory. Let’s see how Wikipedia describes it:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love“) is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners.[1] It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy“.[2] The term should not be confused with polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders or sexes).[3][4][5]

Wiki, you nailed it once again. Imagine being in a loving relationship. You trust each other, love each other, are intimate and do all the things couples do. Now imagine this multiple times. Boom: You have Polyamory. No, wait. This could also be cheating. But what’s the difference? Honesty and consent. There are as many types of polyamorous relationship as there are types of monogamous relationships but they all have these two things in common.

I am married to a wonderful man. He is the apple of my eye, the sun to my moon, the ketchup to my fries… well, you get it. Fact is, I love him very dearly. But we’re not monogamous. We both date other people from time to time and are even open to new relationships.

We dream of a big poly family. Several partners, lovers and close friends who share their life together and even raise children together. But we’re not actively searching for it: Go with the flow is the way to live for us. At the moment it’s only us two in our relationship. But that doesn’t make us less poly. Even ‘though my mum wished we weren’t, but she’s handling it quite well by ignoring it.

I’m going to do a few posts about polyamory in the future. Explaining different relationship constellations, following what’s happening in the media, share some experiences and do some random rambling. I’m looking forward to be as poly as I can. 

For now, I’d like to end with a great little comic by Kimchi Cuddles – please visit her page and give her some love: She’s the best!

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your unspoiltmind

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My Daily Inspiration

Most of us spend a lot of time on the interwebz. I know I do. So I choose to make the best out of it by following those kinds of websites, tweets and blogs which make me appreciate life and remind me of what a fascinating place the world can be.

Need some inspirational motivation to get you going? There you go!

1. TED (Talks)

I am in freakin’ love with TED! I don’t know how many incredibly amazing talks I’ve already seen and the people just keep on surprising and impressing me. My favorite talk changes from time to time, since there’s no shortage of mind blowing content.

Have you ever heard of the zero waste lifestyle? I’ve been blown away by the idea, which got introduced to me through Bea Johnson, a mother of two, lovely wife and inspirational mind. Here’s the talk which changed the way I handle my garbage:

2. Upworthy

Yes, I know. Upworthy got quite big already and that’s why some people don’t like it anymore. But I’ve been following them for a few years now and watched them grow without changing too much and still keeping focus on the important things.

Even ‘though they don’t only do original content they do share the right things. Like this little clip I watched and started crying immediately.

3. PETA

Before I became vegan a few years ago I thought Peta is one of those extremist groups who care less about humans than about animals. I was wrong. Realizing that veganism is imperativ if we really want to help our mother earth, helped me to see that Petas activism is necessary.

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4. Earth Porn

Earth Porn is one of those websites where I turn into a little child again. Throwing a variety of “Oooohhh!!!”s and “Aaaahhhhh!!!!”s around me.  And thank God I’m a poor musician otherwise I’d be buying all the prints they sell in their shop.

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5. Collective Evolution

I am a very spiritual person. But I’m also a science lover. Collective Evolution gets it right to satisfy both my needs with pieces like:

Pranayama Breathing: What Elephants & Ants can teach us about Longevity & Energy

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or

100% Off Grid Netherlands Town will grow its own Food, power itself & more

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What are your favorite inspirational websites?
your unspoiltmind

The Thing with the Burkini…

Oh, this topic gets me going, so be prepared for a lot of text.

I am very confused by how much turmoil a two-pieced bathing suit can cause.

But for those who do not know what a burkini is, let me explain it to you: It’s a fullbody bathing suit worn by muslimas, so they can enjoy themselves at the beach and in the water. Period. It’s not a war announcement and they don’t wear it so they can hide bombs underneath it. There are quite a few idiotic arguments against the burkini out there, which I’m going to dismantle right now, you can thank me later.

You are in MY country now!

You’re in my country now, so wear what we wear. If I have to hide my body in your country, you have to wear a bikini in ours. How I love this argument. It’s like telling a child to stop hitting his brother and the child answers: “But he hit me first!!”

First of all: Grow up. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be childish from time to time, and a lot of grown-up things really annoy me – but this here is the exact moment to leave your diapers behind and stop being a selfish dick.

There is a big difference between us wearing more modest clothes in islamic countries and expecting them to leave certain things like the hijab or the burkini behind. For most of us it’s really not a big deal to put on another sweater or a longer dress, when we’re visiting places outside our hotel area. We just do it (Well most of us. The things I’ve seen some tourists do…). That’s because we don’t have to give up anything of great value to us. Yes, we’re annoyed that we can’t show off our new beautiful top and maybe we feel a little restricted for a few hours. But expecting a hijabi woman to leave her clothes behind is the same as expecting her to abandon her beliefs. It’s in her core values. So stop comparing these two things. It makes no sense.

But feminism!

The last time I checked feminism was about empowering women. So if you tell a practicing muslima to abandon her beliefs, you strip her of her own power to decide who she wants to be. You might believe that no woman wants to hide her beauty and that all women want to look and behave like we westerners do. Well, let me burst your bubble: All women do not want to be like we are in the western world. Believe it or not, not every muslima is forced into wearing a hijab or a burkini. Many women choose to do so. And not even because they’re brainwashed. By trying to “liberate” those women you actually patronize them. I thought you wanted them to be free? So, let them be free to do what they want for God’s sake.

There are a LOT of great youtube videos on women choosing to wear the hijab. For now, I’d like to share Attya Lattifs – A Feminist Choice to wear the Hijab

I am not ignoring the fact, that there are indeed women who do not choose to live this way. And there are countries who oppress their women and don’t give them any choices to do anything. Those are the places that kind of feminism is needed. Not in our western countries, where you can do whatever you like as a muslim woman.

But what about those muslimas in our country, who are oppressed by the patriarchy of their family? Yes, they exist too. But we don’t help them by banning them from the beaches or the public baths. Because that’s exactly what we do, if we ban the burkinis. Because we are banning the only option for them to go to those places. We are not liberating them, we’re sending them back home. I thought we wanted them to integrate into our lives? Well, that’s not gonna happen, when they’re imprisoned in their homes.

Hygiene!

That’s a really popular one. Many public baths in europe banned the burkini because of some ridiculous concerns regarding hygiene. I’m glad that several health departments assured that there are no hygiene problems whatsoever. I feel like they are just searching for excuses to not let “those people” in. There have been cases where women “got caught” wearing more layers of fabric beneath the burkini, which is a safety hazard. But I’ve seen a lot of boys wearing boxers beneath their swimming trunks too – so it’s not a burkini problem, it’s a people problem.

Conclusion

Tolerance-is-the-positive-and__quotes-by-Joseph-E.-Osborne-11Just let them be. Let these women wear whatever the fuck they want. Don’t patronize them, don’t pity them. And if you really want to know more about why a woman would wear that kind of clothing, go ahead and ask her! Most of them will be happy to talk to you and some will be annoyed because they have to defend themselves everyday. But if you show real interest, I’m pretty sure they will open up to you as well.

 

your unspoiltmind

Let’s Talk Tantra!

Nope – not going to satisfy your dirty minds with pictures of people doing all kinds of positions from the kama sutra. So get your mind out of the gutter. You filthy little….

Tantra is actually way more than just that “sex thing” from India. Being a traditional tantra yoga teacher I often have to answer the “so, what is it then?” question.  Wikipedia does quite a good job on explaining the basics:

Tantra (Sanskrit: तन्त्र), also called Tantrism and Tantric religion, is an ancient Indian tradition of beliefs and meditation and ritual practices that seeks to channel the divine energy of the macrocosm or godhead into the human microcosm,[1] to attain siddhis and moksha. It arose no later than the 5th century CE,[2] and it had a strong influence on both Hinduism and Buddhism.”

There’s a lot more on there to read about that topic. But for those who are a bit overwhelmed by the sheer amount of knowledge out there, let me give you my own thoughts on tantra.

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Some guy on OKC (the most spiritual place on the internet – not.) told me that he was reading a book called Urban Tantra. He found himself feeling like he’s sexually connected to everybody else and that he understands the author when she speaks of sexual or divine energy, although he’s an atheist and does not believe in God. Further on he said,that Barbara Carrellas, the author of the book, states that the physical orgasm is some kind of paroxysm. After telling me that he’s feeling this sexual, divine connection right now as he writes to me (that’s an interesting way to put it..), this is what I answered:

My Thoughts on Tantra

“Why can’t this energy be God? I know exactly what you mean by “I strongly believe that god not exists” – But isn’t this merely a question of definition? I too do not believe in that kind of god which pops into our heads when we think about religions like christianity, judaism or islam. I strongly disagree with many aspects of that God. But I do believe in a connectedness, an universal energy, a divine energy if you want to call it that. I choose to call this “God”, when I talk to people who might understand what I mean. God is a word, corrupted by us, reshaped over millennia, and it is a word that changes meaning from culture to culture, religion to religion even from person to person. That’s why I try not to put too much meaning into that word, ’cause words are merely an expression of us trying to name the unnameable. “Energy” is more vage and therefore more convenient to use.

Now about physical orgasm being a paroxysm. In tantric sex, as I understand it, orgasm is not the goal. You try to hold back to sink into the oneness of your true selves – so if you release in orgasm you are disrupting the energy exchange. This might happen because you body is overwhelmed. It really depends on why you’re having sex. If you are having sex solely for physical reasons (hornyness, orgasm, cuddles, bodily sensations, reproduction) orgasm is the climax. It’s nice, it relaxes. But if you are having sex for spiritual reasons an orgasm might be an obstacle in your way – a paroxysm disturbing the holy communion of two souls. That’s why actual sexual encounters are one of the very last things you do on the tantric path, because there is way more to learn before you’re able to walk through that door towards oneness, “enlightenment” as some say. This is at least the tantric way from what I understand.

I do believe we are all connected through energy. And I do believe that this energy changes it’s form in “appearance”. It can “show up” as sexual energy, as love, friendship, sympathy, empathy and all the other emotions that live within us and connect us with other beings. That’s why I don’t eat animal products (since we’re one), that’s why I don’t believe in gender (for there is no gender in a soul), that’s why I don’t believe in judging people, that’s why I walk my own path, trying to be authentic and in touch with myself – for when I’m not connected with myself, how can I be open to feel connections with others? Well, this is at least how I see life.”

After I sent him that message it took a while for him to gather his thoughts and write back. But he did. Good for him!

What are your first thoughts, when you hear the word tantra? Let me know!

your unspoiltmind

 

This Blog is going to be EPIC! Why? Because I said so!

I welcome myself to the blogging world. It took me a while to hop on this train but you know what? I have a lot to say! As a biracial, polyamorous, pansexual, graysexual, vegan woman, I know a thing or two about standing my ground. But this is not only about me stating my many opinions.

It’s about challenging our ideas and beliefs we’ve known to be true our entire lives. Things like milk is healthy, jealousy is a sign of love, animals don’t have emotions and a lot of other nonsense have been planted into our heads. Conditioning and programming made many of us into pretty lazy and frightened fucks. If we’re unfamiliar with something, we tend to ignore it, be afraid of it or even hate it. Why? Because many of us never learned how to deal with feeling uncomfortable. We’re spoilt. Rotten apples to be honest.

Let’s unspoil our minds! Let’s try to look beyond our ideas of what we thought is the only truth. And this is exactly what I’m doing with this blog. I’ll blog about random topics, which have one thing in common: It’s worth to think, write and talk about them.

I’m looking forward to everything I’ll be sharing with you and everything you want to share with me. Cheers to new beginnings and challenging ourselves and each other!

your unspoiltmind